Home inspector report

22 Apr

Posted by Admin as Articles

Homebuying Tip #11 - Important Questions for the Home Inspector - Vox
Today I am writing about ten very important questions to ask your home inspector once you have decided which one you will employ. 1. What does your inspection cover? The inspector you hire needs to ensure that their inspection report … read more…

The Home Buying Process. Part 2. « jim sinnott's Blog
In the case of first-time homebuyers, the most common contingencies included with the offer are a home inspection contingency which allows you the opportunity to have the home inspected by a licensed home inspector and a mortgage … When the lender gets back the appraisal, a credit report, all signed disclosures such as the good faith estimate and truth in lending disclosure statement, and any additional obligatory documentation, your loan officer will prepare and submit … read more…

Home Inspections. Well worth the time and money. | Mortgage Help Info
When it’s over, the client is given a report that describes the main systems in the home and outlines any defects or repair issues. Your home inspection report will be narrative in form, easy to read and understand. … read more…

From Google Blog Search

Use Your Own Checklist To Accompany A Professional Home Inspection
There are very good reasons to obtain the services of a certified home inspector to inspect a home you are hoping to buy. Aside from ensuring that the home you are trying to buy is in good shape, the … read more…

Your Career in Home Inspection Training
Even in today’s faltering housing market, homes are being bought, sold and built, so a career in home inspection training is one that can be guaranteed as consistent. A home inspector has a b… read more…

Is Your Home Ready For an Inspection?
You are selling your home. Great. But before you place that for sale sign on the front lawn, you should ensure that your house is ready for a potential home inspection. You would be surprised how many… read more…

From GoArticles.com

Resolved Question: Kind of mad! Is it customary for your home inspector to send a copy of your report to your real estate agent?
I called my real estate agent a few days after the inspection and she said out of the blue that the inspection looked good, that the inspector sent her a copy of it???? I am mad, I paid for that, it’s personal property, isn’t it? I wonder if I can get my money back?
ps I never gave him permission to do that!
I totally understand that I hired and agent, to help me BUY THE HOUSE… I probably know more about the insides and outs about the issues found with the mechanics of the inspection then she does, she is a real estate agent, not a contractor.. If I wanted her to go back to the seller and say ” she said that the roof was leaking and wants that fixed before she buys it.” that’s her job.. I did not say to the inspector, give my real estate agent a copy, why would I, that’s why I had an inspector because a real estate agent doesn’t know that stuff, if she did, I would have paid her to do it… The question doesn’t warrant jerky answers… I work in a hospital and all personal information is private and needs permission to be given to someone else, this is why, I am not used to paying for something and it just given to someone else!

Tumblr A Story Game of Epic Proportions
This is a story game my two older sisters and one of our friends played a few summers ago. I just reread them and thought they were pretty funny. For those who aren’t familiar with this game, everyone playing begins writing a story for about a minute. Then everyone passes their papers and picks up writing the new story in front of them for about another minute. This continues until the story ends.

Authors:

Brandon, age 14

Sannah, age 15

Sarah, age 16

DISCLAIMER: Since these were all impromptu, some of them turned out pretty wacky, which in this case, is a euphemism for “stupid”. Consider yourself warned.
PART ONE The Owl and the Worm’s Quest
Sannah It was an unlikely pair. 6 out of 7 parents would tell you that it could never work. But somehow, it did. The two woodland friends, owl and early-worm, were on a quest to find greater enlightenment. And by greater, I’m speaking of greater than the enlightenment you could get from talkin’ to a bunch of creatures that lived in the dark-dense woods all day. Early-worm was smart because he ate apples, and owl was smart because he read. But they felt their education was sorely missing something, and thus began their quest for greater enlightenment. They might even have to leave the forest.

Sarah “So…” said the early-worm. “Where do we go from here?” All of their forest friends had disowned them, more or less. “Well,” hooted the owl, “I suppose we must go to… ‘the great beyond.’” “The great beyond?” the early-worm squealed. “You mean heaven?” “No…” the owl said with a distant look in it’s eye. “We need a place to go where we can find out…” “Find out what?” the early-worm said impatiently. The owl blinked and inhaled deeply. “A place where we can find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. That is true enlightenment.”

Brandon With that an anvil, two bulldozers, and a brick fell on the hapless owl for reusing a tired old joke. “Hmm…” said the early-worm. “You don’t see that every day.” So with that he went to the one person who could help him in his quest for ultimate enlightenment, Jerry Springer. Unfortunately he was crushed by a folding chair during a brawl between Bill Gates and a Luddite priest and is now available on “Best of Jerry Springer Vol. 2” for $9.95 ($15.95 Can.) THE END Jewelry Shop Sarah There once was a very fancy jewelry shop on the corner of a very fancy downtown area. If one were to peer through the windows of this particular shop, one would see dazzling gems of every shape and size in various combinations. The only problem with this jewelry shop was that it was always empty. The jewelry in there was alive.

Sannah And after years of being worn by humans for decorations, they wanted payback. “Quiet, quiet, everyone,” said the head-Ruby. There was a meeting in which all of the jewels were to bring forth their ideas on how to get revenge. “I think we should wear people for a change. You know, the more people you wear, the higher status you are,” squealed one pearl.

Brandon But then out of the shadows, a lone amethyst, with oddly spiky hair, an insanely large sword, and a magical talking alpaca stepped forward saying, “No, I am the crown prince, and I shall drive out these humans on my own with my mystical, generic, sword powers which are bland and poorly drawn.” So everyone wished the amethyst good luck, gave him and his alpaca food items that somehow healed him by eating them, and wished him on his quest, which has been attempted by over 1,000,000 adventurers around the globe and rising every day. THE END “Who Wants to be a $100-aire-X-treme” Brandon There was once a man named Jim. Jim was an odd sort, his friends called him Stewart for a nickname, which really makes no sense, but neither does the rest of this story. Well, one day Ol’ Jim was called up one day and it turns out he was chosen to be a contestant on the hit game show “Who Wants to be a $100-aire-X-treme.”

Sarah Jim was completely and utterly flabbergasted. “Hey- I thought you had to try out to be on those shows! Oh well…” Stewart, erm, I mean, Jim hopped on the nearest plane (yes, he literally hopped) and landed in the city where the recording studio was. He was greeted by the host, Bob Bobson. Bob Bobson was a man with fake hair and a fake smile. “Right this way,” he told Jim. Jim looked around.

Sannah “Hey, this isn’t the set for “Who Wants to be a $100-aire-X-treme”! This is a dumpy gas station!” Bob Bobson laughed in the sick sort of way that people who actually think “America’s Funniest Home Videos” are funny, rather than pitiful to watch. “Television can be very deceiving, Jimmy-Stew.” The more Jim thought about this, the more he realized he didn’t really want to be on the show all that much. “Now if you’ll just put these billy-bob teeth in before you get on…” “No!” Stewart shouted.

Brandon “Never,” shouted Jim-Stewart as he ripped open his vest-jacket to reveal, “Oh my lord, he’s wired!” shouted Bob. “Right then, gimme the 100 dollars, the fake teeth, and any small valuables.” And so with explosives in hand he sauntered off into the sunset. THE END Supervillians Anonymus Brandon “Hello group, my name is Mr. Sir-kills-a-lot and I am a chronic super villain bent on world destruction,” said the masked man. “Hello Mr. Sir-kills-a-lot,” said the group. “Now, now group, what have I told you, here at SA we are formal to be closer with our feelings,” said Frank, the New Age Group Therapy counselor. “Sorry Frank,” chorused the group. “Right then, I am feeling some negative vibes here. Everyone get up and do some sit-ups until we calm down again, then Valium brownies for everyone!”

Sannah “What about me, Frank?” said the man with no torso. “I can’t very well do sit-ups.” Frank tsked at the sight of this man. He was the only one that couldn’t, well, be controlled. He just didn’t fit. Frank had been about to say, “do some pushups”, but the last time this had happened, it had disastrous results. Frank himself had had to sweep the man up in a dustpan. “Uh, you can skip right to chowing down on the brownies.” “But-” the man started. “What?” Frank asked, a bit exasperated. “I haven’t got a stomach.” Frank sighed. This man just did not fit anywhere!

Sarah Unbeknownst to the rest of the Super Villain Anonymous group, Frank wasn’t just a counselor- he was actually an old-time super villain himself! His plan was to brainwash all of the super villains into- well, what do you think- taking over the world. The plan was working just swimmingly- everyone mindlessly did what Frank told them to- that is, everyone except this torso-less man. Frank was trying very hard not to lose his cool. If he blew his cover, not only would he be out of a moderately paying counseling job, he would have to give up his dream of conquering the world! (Or, at least postpone it for a very long time.) Frank said “Well, why don’t you just have a seat, then?” The torso-less man looked a bit flustered. “But, I haven’t got anything to support my upper body when I sit!” Frank’s eyes began to twitch and his temples began to pulsate. His skin began to get a puce-ish tinge. His clothes began to melt away, revealing a skintight skunk outfit. “Mr. Frank- I…” the man said. Suddenly, all of the villains realized what was going on, and defeated Frank, or should I say, “Frank Stank the Skunk.” Law enforcement soon showed up and the villains became heroes, and Frank became imprisoned. THE END Patterns Sarah “Alfie!” Ma shouted through the screen door. “Why are you watchin’ that dang blasted television set when it ain’t even got no channels?” “Shh ma!” Alfie hoarsely whispered back. The youth was sitting on a busted old couch intently staring at the static-y T.V. screen. “I’m tryin’ to search fer the patterns!” Ma pushed the door open and stood in front of the T.V., blocking Alfie’s view. “You know what pattern I see?” Ma said. “I see my son actin’ like a loony every day for hours on end after chores are done!”

Sannah “Now get off yer bum, and go out an’ get a job er somethin’!” Alfie sighed. His mother simply couldn’t understand the importance of the patterns Alfie had spent day after day searching for. He felt sure that the significance of him finding it amid the static would certainly affect the life of him, his mother, perhaps the entire world’s population! Now, if only he could find out why… “Alfie! Did you hear a word I just said?!” He hadn’t. “Now I want you to-” Alfie stood up, causing Ma to stop mid-sentence.

Brandon “Alfie, what are you doing? You sit down right now or I’ll…” “No Mother, you know not what you deal with,” said Alfie in an odd, otherworldly voice that seemed to chill the room by several degrees. “I have seen the patterns. They speak to me and command I go to them. You will not stand in my way any longer, or the patterns will spell your doom!” cackled Alfie mechanically. “Patterns or no patterns you do NOT get smart with me young man, and…” Suddenly a wagon train full of Amish burst through the walls and destroyed everything in the house then blew it up. THE END Pilot Adventure Sannah “How on Earth did I get here?” the pilot thought to himself. He had flown through a hole in a cloud, (something which was not advised in the handy pilot guide), and boom! He found himself in some sort of strange wonderland. He watched a mole who was wearing a clock around its neck mutter “I’m late, late, late…” as he tried to think of what to do next. Suddenly,

Brandon a flying tractor with a plaid paint job landed near the dumbstruck pilot, the tractor said “O thou comrade of thine mechanized flying machine, be thou the savior that shall deliver us from your forces of malevolent-based evil?” “Uh, no.” said the pilot. “I just gotta make it to Toronto by 6:30 pm.” “Oh,” said the tractor despondently, “tally ho then.”

Sarah The pilot scratched his head. As he walked on, he saw more and more strange things – giant talking UNO cards, a strange old man and some sort of rodent having a cocktail party, and some bizarre twins muttering about baby clams, or something of the sort. ‘Man, I have got to get out of here,’ the pilot thought to himself. By this time, he couldn’t even see his plane!

Sannah But never fear, O pilot! The Mock turtle is here! The Mock turtle decided that instead of telling stories of the days when it was a real turtle… Then the pilot woke up out of his comma induced sleep and resumed driving the suicide-airline. The end.
Ayers Rock
Sarah Benjamin was on vacation in Australia visiting Ayers Rock. ‘Wow,’ he thought to himself. “The biggest rock in the world.” Benny-boy was feeling inspired and “one-with nature”-like, so he tried to hug the rock. As his face was pressed next to the granular surface he heard odd beeping and ticking noises and the muffled sounds of human voices. Startled, Ben quickly jumped backward and looked around. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, and he knew there was no possible way he could be hearing anything through the other side of the giant rock.

Brandon However Benjamin, or should I say Col. Benjamon [ret.] of the Salvation Army didn’t get this far in life by being careless, so he put on his tin foil cap (so that the Communist Brain-wipers couldn’t discover what he had found) checked for land mines and then wired up a few blocks of C-7 high-grade fiberglass compound explosive (higher grade than that wimpy C-4 stuff) and blasted a hole in the rock. Far off in the distance two people off in the distance saw the blast. “Oi, Fred what could that of been?”

Sannah “Shh!” Fred said. “Hey, why’re you shushin-” “Look!” Fred butted in. Gregothy did. “Holy…” was all he could say, eyes bulging and slack jaw. Ayers Rock had been utterly and completely blown to smithereens, not a hole like previously thought. Gigantic sized rocks were pelted on top of tourists as all hell broke loose. Meanwhile, a group of kids sat in their homes safe and sound as one of them asked, “Hey does anyone know what happened to my radio? It’s been missing since that trip we took to Ayers Rock.” Jimmy looked at his feet as he recalled that he had left it in some crevice there. He said nothing but promised himself that he would buy his friend a radio for his next birthday. The end. The 22nd Century Brandon “More Pomegranates!” shouted the king self-importantly. “Yes my liege, whatever you say,” murmured the man servant. You may be wondering what a king is doing with all this power, considering that in the 21st century, monarchies are all but extinct, if you wondered that then shut up and read, I’m tellin’ the story around here. Anyhow this is not taking place in the 21st century, it takes place in the 22nd century when Al Gore and his cryogenic robot-tortoise army have deposited the democratic process in favor of a totalitarianistic despotic society.

Sarah The lowly man servant humbly presented three pomegranates and bowed deeply. The king acknowledged this with a nod, dismissing the servant. The one thing he didn’t acknowledge was the evil, menacing look in the servant’s eye. You see, this servant, whose name was Joshrick, did not like the king. In fact, he was a secret member of the Freedom Fighters, a band of men and women across the country who were determined to overthrow the totalitarian government by starting a World War IV (World War III already occurred when Al Gore changed the government the first time).

Sannah Joshrick wiped the sweat off of his brow as he tried to think of possible recruitments. It was his job to recruit disgruntled workers for the cause, since he of all people would know to pass the word to them. He decided that for today, the pomegranate pickers would be a good place to start. As he went to the pomegranate fields a camera camouflaged by the raspberry bushes swiveled up and peered at Joshrick. It was set off by motion detectors used to pick up any additional movement, other than the designated numbers of workers, such as a theif, wolf, or otherwise. Guards from all directions came, and intercepted Joshrick from the field, and took him to an extermination site, where not a peep was heard from him again. Alas, the disgruntled pomegranate pickers remained pomegranate pickers for the rest of their miserable lives. The end. … what the heck?… Sannah “I’m on a rampage!” this strange lookin’ guy with a goteé, director’s pen, and diaper said. His name was Jr. McCray, and he had waddled his way through the world for over a thousand years with a goal in mind. To accomplish this goal, he had broken his glasses, and given up on the rest of his hopes and dreams, as pathetic as they were. He turned in his attentions now to the Americas. He had a soft spot for the place… T’was where McCray Senior had come from. He had never been there himself, but was ready for whatever it was to offer.

Brandon So then he looked at a map and said “Hrrm, this odd, box-like state, Kansas I believe, seems to be at the center of the nation, it MUST be the center of power,” so off he stormed to conquer what he imagined to be the crown jewel of America, Topeka, Kansas. “Whaddya reckon that there 100 story tall, goteéd baby is doin’?” said Farmer Greg to Grade 2 sewer flow technician Frank. “I dunno Farmer Greg but whatever it is he looks maddern’ an ocelot in a tank full of pickle brine.” remarked Grade 2 sewer flow technician Frank to Farmer Greg.

Sarah As Jr. walked throughout the state, citizens began shouting, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas any more!” in a weak attempt to be funny. Jr. began to get excited, because he thought that people were bending to his will. There was one problem with this, however. Big size, plus roaming the world non-stop for thousands of years, plus high blood pressure, plus that bit of excitement equals massive heart attack. Jr. died on the spot. THE END
PART 2
My sisters and I found those and other previous stories that we had written playing this story game and wondered if we were still, uh… “creative” enough to come up with some other stories. So one late, late night a little while later, we played the game again.

Authors:

Olivia, age 16

Sannah, age 17

Sarah, age 19

DISCLAIMER: As before, all of these were impromptu… and we wrote a majority of them during the wee hours of the morning… so most of them turned out pretty wacky, which in this case, is a euphemism for “stupid”. Consider yourself warned. Lucas the Frog Olivia There was once a frog named Lucas, who just couldn’t seem to make any friends with any of the other frogs. Why, you ask? Well, Lucas was different from the other frogs. You see, Lucas shed his skin periodically,

Sannah and his eyes were slited. And he didn’t have any arms or legs. This led some to believe that he was, in fact, a snake. Only problem with that was his body was as short as the other frogs; that’d have to be one mighty short and fat snake. So a frog he was. “Hisss… Why doesn’t anyone like me?”

Sarah Lucas wondered. He decided to leave the pondside to do some soul-searching. Suddenly, a stick was in his path. ‘Oh no, what am I going to do now? I can’t jump over this stick, like all of my acquaintances could!” “Say, sonny boy, you seem to be in quite a predicament,” a nearby owl hooted.

Olivia “Yeah,” Lucas said, stifling a sniffle. “Life depressing ya?” the owl said, with shifty eyes. “Having many… dark thoughts?” “Uhh, I guess,” replied Lucas. “Here, let me do you a service…” the owl said, chuckling under his breath, slowly approaching the legless creature. “Ahh, noo, stay away from me!” Lucas cried, wriggling back and forth, running into the log. As the owl’s laughter grew louder, and as the dingy old feathery creature slowly approached Lucas, Lucas started having second thoughts about what he had said. Suddenly, out of a bolt in the blue, a giant winged creature wearing a little red cape rammed into the owl, knocking him away from Lucas. “Wow,” Lucas said to the winged bird in a cape. “You just saved my life. Do you eat legless frogs?” “ No,” the bird replied. “My name is Super Sparrow.” “Let’s be friends,” Lucas said, and from that time on he wasn’t alone in the world. THE END The Land of Nod Sannah “Everytime a heart beats, a tiny “thump” can be heard, if one listens close enough. The sound doesn’t just disappear, it travels on and on, past the barriers of the earth’s atmosphere into the Universe. In a special corner of the Universe, there is a place where every “thump” of every heartbeat ever from Earth gathers. The land of

Sarah Nod, as we who believe call it.” The old man stopped abruptly and stared at the two boys through eyelids as tan and tough looking as leather. The boys gave each other a sideways glance. “Um, thanks Mr. Shimmies-with-trout. Thanks for that. Can we please get our Frisbee back? I think it flew under your porch.”

Olivia “No, no,” the old man cried desperately, grabbing one of the boys by the shirt. “You. Don’t. Understand. Every single heartbeat gathers there, all of the life-energy… in one place…” “Yep.” The other boy, Jimmy, said impatiently. “We get it, we get it, land of ‘Nod’…” The old man sighed and shook his head. “You boys won’t understand… until one day… when it’ll just HIT ‘cha!” “See I told you we should have just taken our Frisbee back without asking him,” Jimmy whispered to his neighbor-friend, Robert.

Sannah Mr. Shimmies-with-trout looked incredulously from Jimmy to Robert. “You boys don’t believe a word of anything I’ve said, do ya’ll.” Robert, the more polite of the two, said, “No, of course we do…” “You listen here, kids. I think a lesson is in order: Afraid you won’t be getting’ that Frisbee back anytime soon!” He wheezed with laughter. The old man unbuttoned his shirt and muttered some mysterious phrase into the Frisbee, and held it to his bare chest. “Clean as water, straight as a rod, follow my heartbeat to the land of Nod!” The sky darkened, the winds blew and out of a storm cloud, lightning cracked through the sky and struck the Frisbee (and Mr. Shimmies-with-trout’s chest). The boys screamed and the Frisbee glowed and rose through the sky and into outer space. All the while there was a sound of some little kid singing in a foreign language and the winds blew harder…cut! “Cut! Cut!” shouted the director. “This is nothing like how Hayao Miyazaki intended it! Where are the pointless airships? Where are the strange non-existent animals? And why is the setting around present-day time? Back to the drawing board!” And with that, the story line men and animators went back to try to make the film more confused and vague, exactly as Hayao Miyazaki would have intended it. THE END Tanya’s Talent Olivia Tanya held out one hand to stop the young boy. “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you,” she said in a rather flat tone staring into space. The boy dropped the pear in his hand, shocked that the girl had said anything, and as the pear hit the cement sidewalk it was apparent to all that it had gone rotten. Everyone gasped. “How did you know?” a kid named Jake said loudly, as surprised as everyone else. Tanya shook her head, as if awakening from a trance, and gave Jake a sideways glance.

Sannah “I have the power to make things go rotten.” Everyone gasped. Jake said, “Ok, what about this new pizza?” “Rotten,” Tanya said tonelessly. “What about my grandma’s pet dog?” “Rotten,” Tanya said as the pooch tore up the couch. “What about that new movie about the man and the Frisbee? I heard that was pretty good.” “Rot-ttteeeennn!” Tanya screamed, red in the face. A farmer saw nothing but talent. He bravely stepped forward, with crop soil in mind.

Sarah “Say, uh, miss? You know, you could help out lots of folks with this, er, gift of yers. Folks like myself. Would you mind comin’ to my farm on the afternoon of tomorrow and helpin’ me get my compost ready fer winter?” Tanya wordlessly turned to the farmer and nodded. The farmer turned and walked away smiling. Unfortunately he turned too quickly to see Tanya’s blank stare twist into an evil grin with slanted eyebrows. You see, Tanya could make things rotten because she was rotten herself!

Olivia The next day, Tanya was waiting on the farmer’s front porch before the sunrise. She waited silently in the corner of the porch…waiting…until the farmer’s wife came out in her bathrobe to grab the morning newspaper. “I wouldn’t read that if I were you,” Tanya said, in her deeply moving voice. “Ahh!” the farmer’s wife screamed, not having noticed that Tanya was there in the first place. “Oh, you’re that little girl who was going to help us with the compost…Well, come on in,” she said, opening the front door for Tanya. Little?… Tanya thought to herself, staring as she passed the farmer’s wife to go into the house. Strike one. “Now there’s that bundle of talent!” the farmer cried from the kitchen table, holding a cup of joe in his hand. “Got lots of stuff to make, we do,”

Sannah The farmer’s wife beamed down at the girl and said “Yes, I remember what it was like to be your age… so young… Young? Tanya silently fumed. Strike two. The farmer laughed and showed Tanya outside. He explained that every year, crops leech the nutrients out of the soil so the plants don’t grow well. They went to a pile of garbage and Tanya spent the day converting the worthless garbage into rich soil for the plants to grow in. And they all lived happily ever after. The end. The Burger Shack Sannah “Welcome to the Burger Shack, can I take your order?” Carla was a waitress with frizzy red hair and braces. She was the top worker of the Burger Shack. “Uh, thanks, I think I’ll have a fish fillet.” Bret was a dark haired, goatee and purple glasses sporting theater student at the local college. “That’ll be $6.00.” Carla didn’t know it, but the fish fillet was ALL OLD.

Sarah She handed the foiled sandwich to the boy through the window. “Have a shack-tacular day.” Carla monotonously said. “Hey, um, seeing as there ain’t any cars behind me, do you mind if I, um, go ahead and start eating this here?” “Be my guest,” Carla said and began to restock the oil in the fryers. Little beknownst to Carla, Bret wasn’t just a theater student at a local college. He also happened to be a health inspector. You know, to make ends meet.

Olivia As Brett opened up the greasy bad of food to begin consuming his fish fillet, his blutooth phone rang. Brett checked his rearview mirror. Well, there’s still no one behind me, so I guess I can just take this one call… Brett thought to himself. “Yeah.” he said out loud, not realizing that both his car window and the drive-thru window were still down and open. “Uh-huh. Well, pfft, you know how those crazy techies are…” Carla suddenly looked back at the drive-thru window.

Sannah “Uhh, sir? You’re turning gray!” “What? Hang on Steve - someone else is talking to me. Now I beg your pardon?” Carla starred for a second. “You’re turning gray… and you look like you’re getting a scaly rash!” Brett scoffed, his sunglasses slowly curving into circles over his eyes. “Don’t be absurd! No, Steve, I wasn’t talking to you…” Carla blinked. “I’ve been taking on too many shifts,” she thought to herself. Brett now was starting to resemble a shiny purple-eyed fish more than ever. “Hey, what’s going on? I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe! Heelllpp!” Just as Brett started flopping around, a car pulled up behind his and started honking its horn. “Oh great, just what I need,” Carla said to herself.

Sarah Brett’s talking began to get more slurred, eventually turned into gargling noises, and then turned to silence. Simultaneously, he began shrinking. He got so small he flopped right out of his seatbelt and unknowingly jumped on the gas pedal on the car’s floor. The car rammed forward and crashed into a concrete fence. The impatient customer pulled up and ordered, you guessed it – a fish fillet. “Oh rats, we’re out of fish patties!” Carla said while riffling through the freezer. Suddenly, Carla knew where to get some fish for this poor guy’s sandwich. She felt as if she knew it all along. “Of course, it all makes sense now,” she muttered to herself. “Hold on one moment sir, I’ll get your fish sandwich all right.” She ran out to the crashed car, uniform and all, retrieved the purple-eyed fish, went inside, and made the fish fillet. The customer, none-the-wiser, gratefully paid, took the sandwich, and even gave Carla a little tip. And you know, it was the best fish fillet he ever did eat. THE END KIDZ KULT of ROCK Olivia “Yeah, it’d be great, I mean, no one has ever done it before,” Julius said with a smirk on his face. “One problem,” Megan retorted sarcastically, rolling her eyes. “None of you know how to play instruments. Julius and Megan were two friends who walked to their kindergarten class every day. One day,

Sannah Julius told Megan about his latest harebrained scheme of teaching preschoolers to be in rock bands. In Julius’ mind, the plan would make them very rich and famous. “Julius,” said Megan, rolling her eyes, “how on earth can you teach preschoolers how to play instruments when you don’t know how?” “Oh, don’t be so pessimistic. You don’t need to know a thing about music in order to teach it.”

Sarah Megan looked doubtful. “Oh come on – haven’t you ever seen that movie where the guy tries to start a band with kids? You know, that one?” “Oh yeah – I think I have – you mean, like, “The Phantom of the Opera”?” “Yeah, exactly. Now all we need to do is find the preschoolers.” So, the two friends set off down the hall and around the corner to “Sharing Center”, as the school had so deemed the preschool classrooms. “There they are! Just look at them all. Some of them look like they’re head banging already!” “And just what do you think you’re doing?” an adult voice said behind them.

Olivia Megan looked at Julius incredulously, waiting to see what he would say. “Uhh… could we talk to these kids for a minute?” Julius asked, as politely as he could. “Sure,” the janitor wheezed, laughing horsely. “I’d jus messig wit ‘cha.” The two friends watched as the janitor pushed the broom down the hallway, and at last entered the class room. “Kids of sharing class,” Julius began. “I have a proposition to make…” All of the sudden, Julius looked around at the faces of the children he was addressing. All of them stared at him with shiny eyes, eager to submit to anything his commanding voice requested. “Where is your teacher?” Julius asked, in an almost disgusted way. “Uh, da teacher left and has not been here for… an hour,” one kid piped up. Julius understood that to preschoolers, an “hour” was just a large sum of time, and not necessarily only 60 minutes. “You guys… need a leader…” Julius said, more to himself than to the class. And with that, the KIDZ KULT of ROCK was founded. The End The Hippies Sarah The hippies stared at me with hungry looks in their eyes. “Heh heh. Fresh hemp seed,” one of them lazily chuckled, an old attempt at the joke “fresh meat,” I believe. The place was a dump – a dying fire lay in the center of a bed of weeds, hippies sprawled around. A few empty tin cans, broken bottles, and other pieces of unidentifiable garbage littered the ground. And oh, the tie dye… “Erm, hello.” \

Olivia “Hi, hi… welcome to the ‘rad pad’…can I help you?” the scruffier of the two said, in a coarse voice. “Uh, yes,” I replied, trying not to make eye contact. “I’m here on a school project; just trying to get a first-hand interview for a report I’m writing.” “Oh,” the hippie said, sounding somewhat disappointed. “I guess we’re not getting a new disciple after all, eh, Moon-sniffer?”

Sannah I looked at the alleged “Moon-Sniffer”, and immediately knew the reason behind the name. “EY, MOON-SNIFFER! Will you cut that out for a minute? We got company!” “Oh, sorry… I just feel that we have soooo much to learn from our animal brethren, and this is how they get to know one another… now who did you say this was?” I cleared my throat. “I’m Pascal. I’m here to get interviews for a school report.”

Sarah “Uh, yeah, yeah. Ask away,” the other one said. “Um, okay. Well then. Let’s begin, shall we? WOAH – back, Moon-Sniffer.” “Hey, now, we ain’t got all night.” Actually, it appeared that they had an inordinate amount of time on their hands. But that’s beside the point. After a deep inhale, I said, “Okay. When were the last time your taxes were filed?” “Um, sonny boy, I don’t think I can remember that far back… Too much… “grass” if you know what I mean,” Moon-Sniffer said with a wink, as if I didn’t know what he meant by “grass”. “Okay, on with the next question. Do you have a record of your government forms regarding-” “Hey now, what kind of a school report is this, sonny-boy?” the one beside Moon-Sniffer said. “And you look a little old to be in school.”

Olivia I involuntarily made a sound of disapproval. “I’m in the seventh grade,” I said, shifting the glasses on my nose. “Aww, see what I mean? Don’t you want to live a life that’s wild… a life that’s free?…” “We need him to gather nuts and berries for us,” I heard Moon-Sniffer whisper. “I mean, how can we provide for ourselves if we don’t have someone doing the gathering for us? C’mon, Sunlight, when’s the last time anyone’s even been around these parts? We got to convince this kid to become a hippie with us or else we’ll starve…” “Umm, kid, I hate to break it to you, but, your parents are dead. We’re your closest relatives,” the older hippie (Sunlight?) said, addressing me. “Yeah, you’ve got to live with us now,” Moon-Sniffer said, smiling dreamily. “Here, if I just give you all of the money I have on me, will you guys just buy some food and leave me alone?” The two hippies looked at one another and said some variation of an audible, “Yeaah…” before actually consulting one another. “All right, then. Here’s thirty bucks.” I said, throwing it at them and then quickly walking away. Needless to say, I don’t think they spent it on food. The End. Brittany’s Eye Sarah “Ahhhhhh!” Brittany screamed as she looked in the mirror. “What is it now, Brittany!” her mother yelled from the kitchen, rolling her eyes. “Ma! Da! I think one of my eyes is bigger than the other one! It must have grown in the night!” “Now Brittany,” her Dad shouted from his bedroom, “don’t be silly. Eyes don’t just periodically grow and shrink!”

Olivia “But DAA-ad!” Brittany loudly whined back, “Just come here! See for yourself!” “There’s no time for that, sweetie, I have to drive you to school now,” Brittany’s mother called once again, grabbing the keys to her minivan. “Grab the baby and the baby bag and put him in his booster seat; then we’ll be off.” Brittany couldn’t believe that no one was paying attention to her.

Sannah “Oh my gosh, this is soo embarrassing. I can’t afford to miss school… what’ll I do?” Just then, Brittany got a wonderfully awful idea. “I know! If Mom won’t at least listen to my problems, she can’t be opposed to my borrowing some of her makeup! And the baby won’t mind if I borrow some play dough…” And with that, Brittany took off to find Mom’s foundation, and baby’s play dough. She fashioned what she thought to be a pretty good looking eyelid, “One that makes my eye look the right size,” she muttered, and smeared foundation to cover the green play dough.

Sarah “Oh, hon-ey, that doesn’t look so good. Hurry in there and wash that off.” “Ughhh! I wouldn’t have had to do this if you and dad would have just told me how to fix my eye in the first place! Ever since Trevor came, it’s like I’m a nobody.” And in a fit of rage, Brittany grabbed the play dough off of her eye and stuffed it in Trevor the baby’s mouth. Trevor cried a bit and spit it out. “Oh, shug-ums, that wasn’t very nice. Luckily, Trevor’s play dough is non-toxic, and I bought non-toxic foundation too, just in case.” “Errr! Well that didn’t fix anything then!” “No it didn’t, muffin-sprinkle, but you know what will? What if daddy and I put Trevor up for adoption?” “Would you do that? Really?” Brittany asked incredulously. “Sure, sure. You came first, and out first priority of parenthood is the first child’s happiness.” (She had misread a parenthood book – It really said “the first priority of parenthood is the safety of all of the children.” She wasn’t a very good reader). “Aw, thanks Mummy! So, do I have to go to school today? “Of course not, sugar pear. Why don’t we find an adopting agency instead?” And so, they all lived happily ever after. Well, except for Trevor. The End
*Monsters vs. Aliens – An Epic Battle
Sannah Once there was a battle for the hearts and minds of all boys ages 4-12 years old. The battle was called Monsters vs. Aliens. The aliens thought they

Sarah were pretty tough because they all had stickers that they wore on their foreheads that looked like eyeballs. The monsters thought they were were pretty tough because when the teams were being chosen, all boys with a BMI of over 23 were chosen to be monsters. When it was time for the battle to start,

Olivia all of the Monster team rallied together in one big, sweaty mass. “Okay, everybody,” their team leader, a young thing by the name of Crunchy, said. “We’re going to have to completely obliterate that alien slime, and show em’ who’s boss. Make it awesome.” Everyone cheered and shouted and ripped off their shirts, ready for battle.

Sannah A stout child named Wesley of the alien team yelled some rallying Klingon phrase, and they ripped off their shirts. It was this pointless display of macho that proved to be both team’s downfall. The shirts that they had ripped off had served as their identification —- now they had no way of knowing who was an alien or monster. They all just stood around for a while until someone cleared their throat and walked out. Without a word, the rest of the room followed suit, somewhat sheepishly. And they all sat around at home, playing video games for the rest of their lives, too embarrassed to ever do anything again. The end. Making Up Movies Sarah “Kablam!” Marky said. “And that’s how it ends?” his teenaged sister Marinda asked. “Well sure,” Mark replied. “In my opinion, that’s the best ending for a movie ever written!”

Olivia “Well,” Marinda replied, “I’m sure it would have been better if there were more princesses in it.” Marky and Marinda were riding in the back of their parent’s car, going to visit their Grandma Elmer. It had been a long trip, and Marky and Marinda had had to

Sannah pretend they were writing a movie. “Miranda, my teenaged sister, aren’t you a wee bit old to be day dreaming about princesses?” Marky inquired. Miranda sighed. “I suppose you’re right. And aren’t we a bit old to pretend we’re writing a movie?” “Well, there certainly isn’t anything to do in this smelly car.”

Sarah “Kids!” the mom said as she snapped her head around faster than a piece of juicy fruit loses its flavor. “What did I tell you about stopping pretending to write movies? You HAVE to pretend to write movies on the way to Grandma Ellingston’s house, or else-” Cra-shmash! Unfortunately, the mom was also the one driving, and ended up crossing the median. I think you can figure out the rest. Grandma Egbert went on to write a screenplay called “To Grandmother’s house we don’t go” about the tragic story of her psychotic daughter-in-law and her two grandkids. The movie broke box office records and Grandma Edinstein lived happily ever after.
*Ummm… just to be clear, we wrote this LONG before that strange DreamWorks Movie of the same title… either this is merely a strange coincidence, or the idea just isn’t very original. I think it was both.
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Field Inspector (berkeley)
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Beating the Odds
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Lee is trying to get motivated to distill 65 pages of the home inspector’s report down to a list of things that need to be fixed.
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